Selected Calendar Times for Someone Self-Employed Who Works from Home

September 14
1:30 p.m. – 2 p.m.
Team meeting and staring session w/ strange spot on wall (weekly, recurring)

• Heads of facilities and maintenance (both self) invited to offer theories, ideas
• HR and Marketing leads (both self) invited to explore the idea of naming the spot “Linda” and giving her director-level position as reward for attendance and persistence

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September 15
10 a.m. -11 a.m.
Performance improvement plan for intern/dog 1

• Advise on how blinking, uncomprehending stare fails to advance company goals
• Initiate dialogue on treat schedule
• (Monochromatic PowerPoint deck needed)

2:30 p.m. -3:15 p.m.
YouTube viewing session (humans only)

• Red Bull soapbox race wipeouts
• Bigfoot as trans-dimensional being
• “Holy Diver” by Dio

3:15 p.m. – 3:20 p.m.
Contingency planning if boss (self) asks about applicability of videos to job description and company goals

3:20 p.m. — 3:40 p.m.
A few more videos

4:00 p.m. – 4:01 p.m.
Consider spending more time on LinkedIn because that’s what professional career people with career jobs do or something

4:01 p.m. – 4:05 p.m.
Deep-breathing exercises

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September 16
11 a.m. – 12 p.m.
Zoom call with actual human clients who are not self

• Ensure smiling papier-mâché heads of clients (for companionship) are not visible to clients via desktop camera

12 p.m. – 12:45 p.m.
Recraft papier-mâché client heads to make eyes less predatory, smiles less demonic

• Consider voice-activated chip to make voices say “Mm-hm” or “Good idea” when prompted

12:45 p.m. – 2 p.m.
Research price/availability of client head alternatives

• Styrofoam heads for wig/hat modeling with color print headshots attached with pushpins?
• Acquire/modify some Teddy Ruxpins?
• Hire professional scarecrow makers (exist?) for commissioned work

7 p.m. – 8 p.m.
Meeting w/ Self-Loathing and Narcissism departments/tendencies to brainstorm exciting new potential collabs

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September 17
10:30 a.m. – 12:30 p.m.
Offsite team-building retreat at café with unwitting part-time staff/baristas and volunteers/customers

• Coffee and treats available (cash bar)

2 p.m. – 2:30 p.m.
All-staff nap-finding mission

• Papier-mâché heads attendance optional but somewhat discouraged

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September 18
2 a.m. – 3 a.m.
Sketch out worst-case scenarios for all professional projects

3 a.m. – ?
Live out most extreme ideas put forward previous meeting whilst asleep

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September 19
9 a.m. – 9:15 a.m.
Performance improvement plan for intern/dog 2

• Advise on necessity of going outside even if it is raining a little
• Connect need for putting on harness (dislikes) to taking walk (loves)
• Presence of intern/dog 1 optional/inevitable

9:15 a.m. – 10 a.m.
Supervised leashed intern/dog fact-finding/smell-finding mission

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September 20
11:30 p.m. – 12 a.m.
Review and judge every decision ever made and every word ever spoken (recurring, irregularly and spontaneously scheduled)

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September 21
3:15 p.m. – 3:16 p.m.
Meeting of hiring and expansion committees

4 p.m. – 4:15 p.m.
Party in the kitchen to celebrate Linda the spot’s promotion; cake provided