About Our Super El Niño Climate Crisis–Accurate Hot Pilates Studio

Here at DIE HOT Pilates (SoHo), we do things a little differently.

We’re your new favorite fitness fusion studio blending elements of Pilates, barre, yoga, drought, inclement weather, the 1930s Dust Bowl, Zara Larsson, HIIT, cardio, cardiac arrest, and fun.

Our UNIQLO-adjacent studio is temperature-controlled to a steamy 92 degrees with 47.5 percent humidity using a combination of infrared heat and greenhouse gases. This terroir provides detox, offers a deeper stretch, and preps the body’s cardiovascular and respiratory systems for the upcoming Super El Niño, during which the planet will experience subsurface heat anomalies in the equatorial Pacific Ocean, triggering a devastating ecological chain reaction.

But we don’t balk at the heat. We say, “Bring it on, sis.” Just because those sea surface temperatures are surging doesn’t mean those booties can’t too.

PREPPING FOR HOT GIRL SUMMER
(CLIMATE CATASTROPHE)

Next year’s Super El Niño will bring intense drought, increased wildfires, and crop failure to regions in South Asia and Africa. The Americas will face torrential storms, flash flooding, and mudslides. The impact on global agriculture will lead to supply-chain shortages and food scarcity. It WILL be 105 degrees everywhere. Everyday.

But YOU—a white lady from Columbus, I think—will be in the best shape of your life, because DIE HOT preps clients for the most catastrophic climate emergencies to come.

The key to prepping for the reckoning is acclimation. Once acclimated, your trembling, hungover body will experience:

• HEAT STROKE RESISTANCE
• DEHYDRATION NATURALIZATION
• CARDIOVASCULAR CONFUSION
• FOOD DESERT ACCLIMATIZATION
• +7 PERCENT ATHLETIC PERFORMANCE
• +10 IN VO2 MAX FIGHT-OR-FLIGHT RESPONSE
• INCREASED BLOOD PLASMA (hard to explain, but basically it’s awesome.)
• LOWER CORTISOL

For proper acclimation, we recommend the monthly eight-pack wildfire unlimited package.

ABOUT OUR CLASSES

DIE HOT offers a range of classes tailored to our clients’ disaster preparedness goals, programmed by Kelly the Trainer, who once saw Jesus in a piece of avocado toast.

Trying to survive through the next decade? Try our beginner-friendly forty-five-minute Toxic Shock Express, which combines our signature hip thrust maneuver with trace emissions inhalation.

Prepping for something more extreme? Like the rapture? Try the seventy-five-minute Severe. (We are legally prohibited from describing the seventy-five-minute Severe in print.)

So what are you waiting for? (Seriously, we only have like three good years left.) Grab those hot pink Bala Bangle ankle weights, fill up the largest Stanley cup for sale on Amazon, and experience the planet your great-great-grandchildren will one day call home.

And don’t forget to use code SUFFOCATEBITCH at checkout for 20 percent off your first class. Happy Sweating!