Things That Happened to Both Odysseus in The Odyssey and to Me on My Bachelorette Trip

1. We went to war with our friends.
Odysseus and his buddies fought in the Trojan War on what was essentially a decades-long boys’ trip. I went to Nantucket to fight with 23 of my closest girlfriends for three days.

2. We did not follow the map.
Odysseus wanted to chart his own way back to Ithaca without a GPS, kind of like how I told my maid of honor that I wanted to do something “off the beaten path” for my bach. We spent Saturday afternoon squelching cranberries under our feet in a bog. I lost my cell somewhere in Ocean Spray’s next gallon, so we had to hitchhike to the mani-pedis.

3. Belligerent male suitors were waiting for a taken woman’s hand in marriage.
I have never been hit on by more men in my life than when I wore a cowboy hat with BRIDE rhinestoned across it at the bar. Sorry, fellas: that ship has sailed. Similarly, Ithaca was swarmed by men forcing Odysseus’s wife to host nightly dinner parties. As someone who was involuntarily volunteered to host multiple mahjong nights for her sorority alum group, I feel ya, girl.

4. And we got to kill them.
Okay, sike. One of the biggest differences between Odysseus and me is that he got to kill all of the suitors, whereas mine presumably returned home safely to their wives.

5. Women were in grave danger at all times.
How did ladies in Ancient Greece feel safe without front door cameras? It’s the 21st century, and you’d think my bridesmaids were trying to get themselves killed. Keri hired a man without teeth to come to our Airbnb and serenade us with my favorite John Mayer song. I locked him out, but he still sang every word of “Your Body Is a Wonderland” to the doorbell.

6. We wore matching outfits with our friends.
Odysseus and his men wore battle armor; my girls and I spent two nights coordinating outfits with hyper-specific themes: “The Bride’s Last Weekend of Independence” (colonial chic) and “Girls Gone Mild” (grandma-core pajamas embroidered with our Christian names).

7. We don’t talk to our crew anymore.
Odysseus’s crew all died, and mine is dead to me after what happened Sunday morning at Dry Bar. I won’t get into the details, but we’re all banned from every single Dry Bar location in the continental U.S.

8. We were absolutely ripped.
Odysseus was a great soldier, and if Matt Damon’s biceps are any indication, he ate every bull testicle this side of the Aegean. I alternate between Pilates and SoulCycle, so I am also jacked—maybe even more so, because Odysseus never took Loraine’s 5:45 a.m. “Abs & Ass” class.

9. We gave extravagant, over-the-top gifts to people who wanted to stab us in the back.
Odysseus magnanimously gave a Trojan horse to his enemies. I gave hand-painted, limited-edition Diptyque gift baskets to my bridesmaids, yet they still haven’t gotten me so much as a tea saucer from my wedding registry. Deadweight.

10. We were stuck on an island.
Poseidon stranded Odysseus on Ogygia with Calypso, and likewise, Delta delayed my return flight, leaving me trapped on Nantucket in influencer-infested waters—the most flesh-hungry monsters of all. I was there so long, I had visions that the Dairy Boy of the first Dairy Boy brick-and-mortar might eat me.

11. We endured lots of bloodshed.
The Odyssey was gory, sure, but by the end of my trip, half of the bridesmaids had synced menstrual cycles.

12. We crammed into a vehicle that was way too small.
The Honda Odyssey (Honk if you get the reference!) Tiffany rented was a touch cramped for our 24-girl gang and gave me serious Trojan Horse flashbacks. Unfortunately, someone sharted in the Odyssey.

13. We just wanted to go home.
“I want to go back home, and every day I hope that day will come” was a line said by Odysseus after a decade away from Ithaca, and me, on hour three of my bach trip.

14. Trojans made an appearance at the start, but disappeared by the end.
Odysseus was pretty much done with the Trojans after the whole horse thing. My bridesmaid, Danielle, bought a Costco-sized pack of Trojans for the weekend, but her high hopes were slashed after meeting the many stylish men who just so happened to be on the island for Nantucket Design Week.

15. We encountered a one-eyed monster.
Odysseus met a cyclops, and I met phallic-shaped paraphernalia galore.

16. We ruined our diet.
Odysseus ate lotus flowers and forgot his family existed. His crew ate the Sun God’s cattle, and Poseidon drowned them. I ate way too much gluten, and my tummy hurt. Being bad tastes so, so good.

17. We slayed.
Odysseus slayed monsters, and I’m sure a few Vestal Virgins. I “slayed the house down boots, Houston I’m deceased” in my blusher veil and thrifted little white Zimmermann dress for espresso martinis (The theme: “A ‘tini bit closer to I do!”) at Lola 41.

18. We abided by a moral code that we had never explicitly explained but expected everyone else to understand.
For Odysseus: Zeus’s Law. For me: Girl Code.

19. We went to a group tasting and regretted it.
Odysseus’s men chowed down, and Circe turned them into pigs. Meanwhile, my girls got so crunk at our wine tasting, they turned into little piggies themselves and raided our mini-fridge for Go-Gurt and leftover charcuterie board cheese. Oink oink!

20. We lost a friend to the sirens’ song.
Odysseus’s buddy literally dived in headfirst after hearing the siren’s song. But my future sister-in-law Johanna fell for a far more tempting tune, the Trisha Paytas TikTok ad for GLP-1s. I literally haven’t seen her since the bachelorette—she’s THAT skinny now.

21. Our trip made for an epic story.
Odysseus had his epic poem, but I have my epic Instagram story highlight reel entitled “BACH TRIP” with meticulously chosen emojis that recounted every low low and high high.