All the Things My New Meat Glasses Can Do

I’m so excited my new Meat Glasses have arrived in the mail. I unwrap them and turn them over. Wow, they’ve really done it. You can’t see the camera under the ground beef at all. In fact, they look like high-fashion glasses made of raw, Grade A ground sirloin. Still, Meat Glasses are so much more than that.

Encyclopedia

I walk down the block with my Meat Glasses and ask them to identify the plant in front of me.

“Hey Meat, what’s that?”

“Big grass,” they say.

Correct! It is indeed a tree.

Community catalyst

Oh no, neighbors are walking down the block toward me. They’ve just moved in, and I don’t know their names. Luckily, I can ask Meat. Meat uses the miniaturized cow brain implanted in the right arm of the glasses to scan its database and tell me who approaches.

“Predators 1 and 2 approach you,” Meat tells me. “Run.”

I turn and run.

Local guide

All that running gives me an appetite.

“Hey Meat, where can I get a bite to eat?”

“One moment, Con.” (Con is short for Consumer.)

“Do you have any dietary restrictions, Con?”

“No, Meat.”

“No meat? Finding vegetarian options.”

“No. Meat, please!”

“Please what?”

“I eat meat.”

“Con is advised not to consume Meat Glasses, but Meat is not liable if Con does.”

I try again. “Hey Meat, show me restaurants in my area.”

On the crystal-clear sausage-casing lenses, I see a map of all the restaurants within a mile radius that I already know exist and have been to before.

“Guide me there, Meat.”

Personal shopper

I’ve gone to this restaurant before with my mother. In fact, it’s my mother’s birthday next week.

“Hey, Meat,” I say.

The glasses start to slide down my nose. Not because of the soft hamburger patty they’re made of, which is quite comfortable, but because I’m sweating profusely.

“What are some gift ideas for my mother?”

“Good gifts for mothers include houses, ankle bracelets, flowers, horses, axes, galvanized steel chain link fence, spa days, ion exchange water softeners, ZYN packs.”

Those are all great ideas. “Order flowers, Meat.”

Navigator

“Go right,” my Meat Glasses tell me.

They’re taking me a new, more efficient way. Clever!

“Go right,” they tell me again.

I turn right. I feel like a tourist in my own city, because I’ve never even seen this block before.

Everyone on the street is looking at me. I’m what you call an “early adopter,” so this has happened before. People really got a kick out of the LEAST truck I drove around town. Like when I used the No Hands Feature and hit an old lady, they kicked my bumper and all the doors fell off in unison, and I had to run for my life. The old lady was fine, by the way!

“Hey, Meat, play some music for my walk.”

The high-tech hidden speakers crackle with a staticky boom, and the meat covering them flies off onto my shoulders. At this point, I’m pretty hungry, so I pick the little crumbs up and put them in my mouth.

Photographer

The clouds are catching the light of the fading sun in such a beautiful way.

“Hey, Meat, take a picture.”

“Snap,” Meat says dully.

“Show me the picture, Meat.”

On the lenses, a beautiful, blurred image of the sunset crystallizes. The vignette around it is moody and suggestive, a feature of the fat melting around the camera lens, I believe.

Activity instructor

Interesting. I’m approaching a field.

“Meat, where am I?”

“Almost there, Con," my Meat Glasses say softly. "Just keep going.”

They must be losing battery. I take a step onto thick grass. Suddenly, in front of me is a herd of grazing cattle.

“All fours, Con.”

Silence.

“Get on all fours, Consumer,” my Meat Glasses order.

Wow, battery still good. Impressive!

Ah, it’s the activity feature. I get on all fours for my yoga session. When I bend down, the glasses slip off into the grass and start to shake. They crack and bend, and the whole pile of flesh and bones that make up the glasses sort of melts and bubbles. Then, the blob reconstructs into a tiny, toy-sized cow and walks toward the herd still in front of me, silent and staring.

“Moo!” my Meat Glasses say.

“Moo!” I say back in cow pose.