Release Notes: Woman™ Version 51.0

Thank you for updating to Woman 51.0.

This release includes important security updates, several unexpected hardware changes, a completely redesigned relationship with alcohol, and expanded support for saying “absolutely not” without explaining yourself.

New Features

• Night Sweats now activate regardless of room temperature, thread count, fan speed, or whether you finally found a position that didn’t hurt your hip.
• Your bladder has been upgraded to Toddler Mode and now requires emptying immediately before bed, forty-three minutes after bed, and once more at 2:47 a.m. simply because.
• Hair has been retexturized and redistributed using an algorithm nobody understands.
• Crying now supports additional file types, including: exceptionally kind veterinarians, finding cash in an old coat pocket, women finishing marathons after starting their period, and finding the matching Tupperware lid.

Performance Improvements

• Metabolism has entered Museum Mode and is now preserving every carbohydrate for future generations.
• Hangovers now begin during your second glass of wine.
• Sleeping “weird” may require three to five business days of recovery.
• Knees have been upgraded to Dolby Surround.
• Impulse control has been reduced by approximately 75 percent and may result in unexpectedly slapping a man who calls you “sweetheart” while attempting to convince you to switch internet providers on your front porch.

Memory
To improve performance, the following have been removed:

• Why you walked into this room
• That actor’s name
• The word “colander”
• Approximately 40 percent of all nouns

Lyrics from every song released between 1986 and 1998 remain fully indexed.

Sleep
Sleep has been completely redesigned. Instead of sleeping through the night, you’ll now wake at 2:47 a.m. with absolute certainty that you’ve forgotten something important.

Diagnostic testing confirms you have not.

You may also experience an unexplained surge of rage directed at no one in particular, followed by an urgent desire to contact people you have not thought about in years.

You’ll be awake until 4:11.

User Advisory: Feelings experienced between 2:47 a.m. and sunrise should not be considered actionable. Apple recommends postponing all outgoing communications until the operating system has completed its morning startup sequence.

Relationships
Your tolerance for nonsense has been reduced by 97 percent.

This is functioning as intended.

The following messages are now automatically routed to Spam:

• “Hey stranger.”
• “You up?”
• “Let’s just see where things go.”
• “I’ve just been really busy…”
• “I’m an awful texter.”

The bug causing users to mistake potential for compatibility has been permanently resolved.

This feature will not be restored.

Behavioral Changes
Facial expressions now accurately reflect internal thoughts. This feature cannot be disabled.

People-pleasing has been moved to Legacy Support and will no longer receive security updates.

Tolerance for uncomfortable bras, loud restaurants, and mediocre or boring men has been permanently removed.

You will no longer spend three days wondering whether you were too harsh. Initial testing suggests you were not.

Battery
Battery life has decreased, yet battery management has dramatically improved.

Power is now reserved almost exclusively for:

• dogs
• friends
• tacos
• deadlifts
• beach sunsets
• leaving parties without saying goodbye

Background applications devoted to impressing everyone else have been permanently restricted.

Reddit-Recommended Workarounds
The following fixes have not been verified by Apple, but are consistently reported by users.

• Dating younger men appears to restore approximately 12 percent of available RAM.
• Weightlifting four times a week significantly improves both posture and your willingness to leave a date the moment he says he’s “not really into labels.”
• Group texts with female friends continue to outperform years of individual therapy.
• Users report eating significantly more tacos after age forty. Engineering has no explanation.
• Purchasing concert tickets before asking if anyone wants to go has been shown to reduce people-pleasing by up to 84 percent.
• Users overwhelmingly report the operating system performs best when regularly fed protein, sunshine, laughter, and absolutely no mixed signals.

Known Issues

• Standing up may produce a sound, and it is no longer possible to determine whether the sound came from your knees, your mouth, or any other body part.
• You may suddenly remember an embarrassing interaction from 1997 while shampooing.
• Reading restaurant menus without your glasses remains unsupported.
• One shoulder may mysteriously hurt all the time now.
• You may become disproportionately angry at slow walkers, open-office floor plans, or hearing the phrase “circle back.”
• Warranty coverage no longer includes sleeping on hotel pillows.

Engineering has quietly confirmed these are not bugs.

Thank You for Updating
Version 51.0 removes several features without your consent, but it also installs better ones.

Boundaries are now enabled by default, your bullshit detector is operating at full capacity, and after years of granting administrator privileges to anyone with a decent smile and inconsistent texting habits, the operating system now asks one simple question before allowing access: “Does this person actually improve my life?”

If not, the request is automatically denied.

Attempts to override this setting using chemistry, nostalgia, loneliness, or six margaritas are no longer supported.