It’s ICE—We’re Rebranding and Jazz-Handing With Our Sizzling New INCEL™ G.L.O.V.E.S.

U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers may soon be outfitted with gloves that can deliver painful electric shocks intended to gain compliance from combative individuals. -CBS News

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We in the United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement Department have received a lot of constructive feedback recently regarding our immigration enforcement practices. After listening to the American people to the extent we’re able since most of us have hearing loss from all the guns, we concede the message is overwhelmingly clear: You want us to stop hurting people with bullets. We get it, and we agree. It’s time to hurt people differently.

In response to your concerns, we’re overhauling our brand and consciously uncoupling from our Scary ICE persona. We’ve shuffled some rich people around and watched a couple TikToks from HR, and from now until November 3rd, we’ll be rolling out a fresh look complete with fewer bullets. You might say we’re entering our Posh ICE era.

Bittersweet? Indeed. We’ll have to find another way to cosplay first-person shooters. But we’re confident this is a step in the right direction.

Going forward, we ask that you refer to us as the Infinitesimally Nicer Customs/Immigration Enforcement League, or INCEL. To prove to you that we really mean it, we’ve got a fancy new accessory we’re excited to use on you. Are you ready for this?

Ta-da! Jazz hands.

No, really. It’s called the G.L.O.V.E., and it’s gloves. But not just any gloves. They’re snazzy, wearable Generated Low Output Voltage Emitters. They’re electric! And they go with our outfits.

As we’ve publicly stated, our planned $10 million-$20 million purchase of these gloves will equip our agents with “conductive distraction and de-escalation devices.” In other words, if you try to resist us during a lawful or unlawful detention or do anything that makes us feel icky, with the press of a button, we will shock you. Zip zap.

We’re effortmaxxing our involvement in the communities in order to convince you we’ve changed. Expect to see us out and about on your streets and in your neighborhoods wearing our gloves. Think of us as helpers.

The next time you encounter us huddling over someone twitching on the ground, don’t panic! We’re bringing them back to life with our built-in defibrillators. Just don’t ask how they got like that in the first place.

Or if you see us standing at the front bumper of your car, take comfort in knowing we’re just juicing up the battery! That way, your teenage daughter can discover it on the side of the road and drive it home after you don’t show up for dinner.

We asked our manufacturer how painful the gloves are because we’ve never actually tried them ourselves, but they’ve declined to comment on the situation entirely, stating, “Unfortunately, we are unable to speak on this subject.” Whether that means they don’t wanna tell us, or we’ve silenced them with non-disclosure agreements, we don’t really care.

Happily, the president of the Institute for the Prevention of In-Custody Deaths has stepped up to give us his opinion. "For smaller officers or weaker officers or older officers, I think it has a great advantage because it can produce faster takedowns and shorten confrontations.” He assures us the sensation of activated gloves—which we’re pretty sure have only been tested on large adult males—is akin to a bee sting, meaning they will deliver debilitating pain somewhere on the scale between broken bone and gunshot wound, so probably around IUD insertion.

Rest assured, this will only be a threat to illegal noncitizens, legal noncitizens, citizens, builders, registered nurses, five-year-olds, pedestrians, poets, journalists, pregnant people, small people, old people, ill people, and all people.

Let’s be clear. We’re still ICE princesses. We’re still entitled to ignore the Constitution and violate your human rights. Only now we’re less murdery. Now, we’re more sparkly. Now, rather than the cheap Romanian counterfeit, maybe we’ll get to detain the real David Beckham, an alpha with hunter eyes and ideal facial symmetry. Like us, he has lots of tattoos and he’s not afraid to be a little bad.

However, unlike David, we’re unable to achieve organic connection, so it’s hard for us to care when we’re hurting you. And instead of trying to work on ourselves, we’d prefer to just work you over. That’s where the gloves come in. They’ll protect you from our chronic projectile dysfunction by helping you get a little less dead, and they’ll guarantee no one ever touches us again. It’s a win-win.