Welcome Aboard Svelte Airlines—Except You, the Fat Passenger in Seat 49C

Welcome aboard Svelte Airlines flight 362426. We’re so glad to have you with us today. Not you, econo-fat in 49C; we just tolerate you. For now.

Please sit in your assigned seat. Unless the person next to you doesn’t like that. Ultimately, the person to your left will decide whether you sit in the seat that you paid for or be deplaned in a humiliating perp walk. If you are denied passage based on your assage, the gate agent will contact the nearest marine park and attempt to accommodate you with whatever they do for whales.

Fasten your seatbelt. Unless it doesn’t contain your bulk, because it was designed in the 1970s for people who smoked two packs a day. Looks like we’re going to have to get you an extension. I said A SEATBELT EXTENDER. Can I get a lard lasso for the hamplanet in 49C, please? Why are you sweating?

If you are seated in an emergency exit row, you must be willing and able to assist if we somehow survive a crash-landing. This does not apply to you, frequent fryer. In the event of a water landing, you can assist by acting as a flotation device.

If we unexpectedly lose cabin pressure, previously compressed objects like water bottles may suddenly expand. This includes the saddlebags on 49C. Take deep, even breaths, despite the sudden awareness of your seatmate’s bulk. Even though her hips look full, oxygen is still flowing through your mask.

Please keep the aisles free of any potential trip hazards, like the parts of your thighs overhanging the seat that have decreased in width four times since 2015. Remember, these policies are not clearly explained on our website, and our flight crew can help you get conflicting and biased information, providing a different answer each time you ask. Applications of these policies may also vary based on your perceived race, so if you feel uncomfortable, it’s probably because of your body type. Reacting to any of this information with the appropriate amount of outrage can land you on the no-fly list, so consider your responses carefully. Have you considered flying first class? We also don’t want you there, but at least it costs more.

For your safety, please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened while 49B scampers to the galley to complain loudly about your upper arm interfering with their enjoyment of their basic economy fare. Stare straight ahead and do not acknowledge this conversation, or you will be reminded that you’re overreacting and you should have purchased two seats in the first place.

Please be advised that those seats may be located in separate rows, or resold to another customer if we have overbooked. This is a completely full flight, so try to fit some of your bulk under the seat in front of you. No, not you, 18A with the linebacker shoulders and the manspread all the way into 18C. Not you, pregnant woman wrestling a shrieking toddler in 22B. This policy only affects 49C with her problematic big dumpy.

If you have questions about the specific measurements we use to determine who gets to fly without harassment, the FAA prohibits us from providing that information at this time. Please do not smoke or vape in the lavatory. Please do administer your GLP-1 shots. Maybe make it a double.

On behalf of Svelte Airlines, we welcome you aboard. Well, most of you. Some of you are subject to secret sadist policies, which can change at any time. Just like that number on the scale!