Imagined Conversations Between My Parents While on a Family Vacation

MOM: I’m going to the front desk. I want to embarrass our adult children.

DAD: I was just there to do exactly that by getting a ridiculous number of washcloths that we won’t use.

MOM: Perfect. I’ll ask for a problematic number of towels and a pillow with impossible attributes.

DAD: Don’t forget to take your walking sticks and that terrible hat you purchased for this trip.

MOM (already wearing the terrible hat): Way ahead of you, dear.

- - -

DAD: This hiking trail is so breathtaking and peaceful. Let’s ask everyone we see where they’re from.

MOM: Great. Then we’ll never make it to the viewpoint.

DAD: Are we going to physically struggle even though we asked to do this specific hike?

MOM: Yes. I’ll make a scene about my knee and say I’m light-headed. Just make sure you don’t drink any water.

DAD: What water? I didn’t bring a drop of water.

MOM: You’re going to be dehydrated and will legitimately need help. This is exactly how we wanted this to go.

DAD: Yes, but are we doing enough to make us late for the special dinner reservation the kids made?

MOM: You’re right. I’ll sit down immediately and have a hot flash.

- - -

DAD: I’m glad I wore my laceless step-in shoes to this high-end dinner.

MOM: And I’m glad I have a matching pair that I’m also wearing.

DAD: How hard of hearing should we be throughout this meal?

MOM: Let’s alternate randomly between not at all and very.

DAD: Perfect. Then you can yell-ask our children when they’re planning to have children.

RESTAURANT MANAGER: Someone said you needed to see me?

DAD: Yes, I want you to turn up all of the lights in the dining room so I can see things better.

MOM: Also, I’m cold. And very warm.

RESTAURANT MANAGER: Okay, I will check on you a lot throughout your entire meal. Anything else?

MOM: Yes, can my husband ask you questions about the construction of this building when he gets up to walk around while the rest of our family is still eating?

RESTAURANT MANAGER: Yes, but I don’t know anything about that.

DAD: Perfect.

- - -

DAD: I never thought I’d be in a hot-air balloon watching the sun set. This is a perfect moment.

MOM: Yes, it is. Let’s tell the kids about your follow-up appointment with the cardiologist.

DAD: Okay. But make it sound worse than it is.

MOM: Of course. Then I’ll make a speech about how much I’ve enjoyed this time with our family in front of the guy operating the hot-air balloon.

DAD: Great. I’ll record a video of your speech from really close to your face.

MOM: Do you think we’ll ever get more embarrassing than this?

DAD: God, I hope so, but let’s just focus on making this perfectly nice trip humiliating.

MOM: You’re right. Let’s ask the kids to drive us to the airport really early tomorrow.

DAD: But our flight isn’t tomorrow.

MOM: I know.

(Both parents laugh and then kiss in a way everyone can hear.)