Heat Advisory

NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE

EXTREME HEAT ALERT

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… ALERT… ALERT… ALERT…

… BE ADVISED: EXTREME HEAT AND HUMIDITY POSE SEVERE RISKS TO HEALTH AND CRITICAL INFRASTRUCTURE ACROSS THE REGION FOR THE NEXT 48 TO 72 HOURS…

… SAFETY GUIDANCE: CITIZENS ARE ADVISED TO EXERCISE CAUTION AND KEEP WELL-HYDRAT-…

… ARE CITIZENS LISTENING?…

… THIS IS SERIOUS… BACK SWEAT WILL BE THE LEAST OF CITIZENS’ CONCERNS… THESE HEAT INDEXES WILL KILL CITIZENS’ ASSES DEAD…

… MORE THAN 40 DEGREES CELSIUS CAN CAUSE RIOTS… MELT RUNWAYS… DISABLE NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS…

… PLUS, IT WILL GET PRETTY STICKY AND SMELLY… NOT GREAT FOR CITIZENS’ SENSORY ISSUES…

… YES, 104 IN “REGULAR DEGREES”…

… CITIZENS ARE RIGHT, IT’S NOT A HURRICANE… IT’S ACTUALLY WAY WORSE THAN A HURRICANE… HEAT KILLS HALF A MILLION PEOPLE ANNUALLY… MORE PEOPLE THAN ALL OTHER CLIMATE DISASTERS COMBINED…

… NOT THAT YOU HEAR THAT FROM JAKE HAWKINS, METRO POST STORM TEAM… THAT NEPO BABY WITH HIS LEATHER JACKET AND HIS DOPPLER RADAR…

… SAFETY GUIDANCE: CITIZENS SHOULD REMAIN INSIDE IN AIR CONDITIONING… REMEMBER WHEN CITIZENS STAYED IN THEIR APARTMENT FOR 41 STRAIGHT HOURS IN 2018?… AND THAT WAS JUST TO BINGE BETTER CALL SAUL…

… OKAY… CITIZENS WERE ALSO PRETTY DEPRESSED…

… PLEASE TELL ME THOSE AREN’T RUNNING CLOTHES… NOW SUDDENLY CITIZENS ARE FITNESS JUNKIES?… CITIZENS BETTER HAVE A TREADMILL SOMEWHERE BACK THERE…

… OKAY… SORRY FOR OVERREACTING… YES, ATHLEISURE IS COMFY WHEN THE HOUSE GETS HOT… BUT THE POINT STANDS…

… ANYWAY… IT’S NOT CITIZENS’ FAULT… EVERY GOVERNMENT, CORPORATION, AND MEDIA OUTLET IS COOKING CITIZENS ALIVE AND SAYING IT’S TIME FOR A FRO-YO PARTY…

…CITIZENS COULD CONSULT THE NEWS FOR UPDATED HEAT WAVE COVERAGE… BUT THE PHOTOS ARE ALL BIKINI BABES HAVING WATER BALLOON FIGHTS…

…THE IMAGERY SHOULD BE HALF-INCINERATED GRANDMAS… BUT NEWSPAPERS ARE ALL OWNED BY COWARDS, GHOULS, AND PERVERTS…

… SAFETY GUIDANCE: CITIZENS ARE ADVISED TO GOOGLE “METRO POST OWNER RICHARD HAWKINS YACHT ORGY EXXON SPONSORED CONTENT”…

… ANYWAY… BE ADVISED OR WHATEVER: THOSE AT HIGH RISK INCLUDE OUTDOOR WORKERS, THE DISABLED, PREGNANT PEOPLE, OLD PEOPLE, YOUNG PEOPLE, ANYONE WITH CARDIOVASCULAR CONDITIONS, ANYONE ON MEDICATION, ANYONE IN DENSE URBAN AREAS, ANYONE WHO IS POOR, PETS…

… BASICALLY EVERYONE BUT MARK ZUCKERBERG…

… ONE WOULD HOPE EVEN MARK CARES WHETHER HIS PUPPY COMBUSTS… BUT INSTAGRAM JUST SERVED CITIZENS AN AI WEATHERMAN SAYING HEAT WAVES ARE CAUSED BY TRANSGENDER SOLAR FLARES… SO DON’T GET CITIZENS’ HOPES…

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… SORRY… ZONED OUT THERE… EXTREME HEAT CAN UNDERMINE COGNITION, CAUSE BURSTS OF RAGE, AND EVEN UNDERMINE COGNITION…

… CITIZENS ARE ADVISED TO CALL THEIR SENATORS…

… CITIZENS ARE ADVISED TO GOOGLE “CARBON FOOTPRINT BY WEALTH”…

… CITIZENS ARE ADVISED TO RISE UP AND FREE THEMSELVES FROM THE SUICIDE PACT OF FOSSIL CAPITAL!…

… SAFETY GUIDANCE: DONATE CITIZENS’ 401(K) TO THE SUNRISE MOVEMENT…

… SLASH THE TIRES ON A CHEVY TAHOE…

… SABOTAGE THE WHITE HOUSE AIR CONDITIONING…

… USE A BURNER PHONE TO GOOGLE “MARK ZUCKERBERG HOME ADDRESS”…

… ORGANIZE CITIZENS’ FRIENDS INTO COMPARTMENTED CELLS FOR OPERATIONAL SECURITY…

… BRING ME THE HEAD OF METRO POST OWNER RICHARD HAWKINS…

… BE ADVISED: SIMPLE EXPLOSIVES CAN BE MADE BY MIXING THE FOLLOWING HOUSEHOLD INGREDIENTS: ONE PART HYDROG-…

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