Things I Hope People Would Say at My Funeral

“How sure are we that she’s dead? Should we double-check just to be safe? I know for a fact that she would not want to be buried alive.”

“My dog wasn’t chill with anyone, but he was chill with her.”

“She was never weird in conversation, and even if she was, I have no recollection of it.”

“Does anyone know where she got her shirt from?”

“I’m a pastor, and I can safely say I’ve never seen a sadder funeral than this one. She was objectively the most loved person ever to live.”

“You’re not better than her just because you’re alive, you know. Death comes for us all.”

“She kind of makes being dead look chic. Sorry, is that weird to say?”

“Would either of her parents like to say a few words? Yeah, they’re still kicking. They somehow made it to 140 and outlived her.”

“If there aren’t any more seats available, just stand in the back. And if the back fills up, just spill out the door of the church into the street.”

“Kind of crazy that this is the last time we’ll all see each other, since she was the glue that held us all together, and none of us can even fathom hanging out without her.”

“I’m going to Dunkin’. Does anyone want anything? Okay, yeah, she’s definitely dead. Alive her would never not answer that.”