All Aboard Your Disease-Free Late-Summer Cruise

Summer’s winding down, but the FUN’S just getting started. Onboard our fleet of immaculately sanitized cruise liners, you and your family will discover an ocean of possibilities while minimizing your exposure to hantavirus, norovirus, Legionnaires’ disease, and so much more. Get ready to create unforgettable memories in a thoroughly disinfected environment deemed inhospitable to the majority of the world’s most deadly microorganisms. Excitement and relaxation await on these, the most hygienic ships on the sea.

Pre-Board

The fun starts before you even embark. Your Ahoy Team will greet your party at your departure wharf, incinerate your clothes, scour your naked torsos with steel-bristled brushes, and power-spray you with industrial-grade detergent. (No germ stowaways allowed.) You’ll then be given the complimentary rubber hot zone coveralls you’ll proudly wear throughout your voyage. After that, it merely comes down to us collecting a dozen blood samples from each passenger, which we’ll conveniently analyze while you wait. Anywhere from five to seven hours later, we’ll have the results, and it’s “All Aboard!” for anyone with acceptable antibody levels.

Cozy Cabin Move-In

All of our style-forward staterooms offer soft, comfy linens, plenty of closet and drawer space, and personalized vomit basins filled with our proprietary deodorizing coagulant. As part of our pledge to constantly adopt the latest technologies to make our cruises as safe as possible, each and every room is outfitted with state-of-the-art HEPA filters that capture bacteria and viruses down to, yep, you guessed it, .00004 microns! You won’t be sleeping much as our powerful air purifiers roar like a locomotive day and night, but less snoozing means more cruising.

24-Hour Feast

We honestly wouldn’t blame you if you spent your entire cruise at our Boundless Buffet. Day or night, from pancakes to prime rib, salads to seafood, you can sink your teeth into dozens of delectable options charred at 1,250 degrees to bacteria-free ash and also double-misted with isopropyl alcohol to ward off hardier parasites that cause explosive diarrhea. And we did say boundless buffet, didn’t we? Help yourself to seconds—or thirds, or fourths—with the titanium tongs you were gifted in your bright red All Aboard Welcome and Biohazard Bag.

It’s Showtime

With some of the finest singers on the open seas, or anywhere else, we make it effortless for you to party your nights away, all beneath the safety of a waterproof silicone tarp that will repel any saliva or respiratory droplets expelled from higher onstage notes. Or perhaps your idea of entertainment is testing your luck at our casino? If so, step on up to our single-use slot machines; each is destroyed after one spin to prevent cross-contamination from multiple players. It’s just like Vegas, baby!

Splish Splash

There’s always a pool party happening on our ships, so if you wanna get in on the fun, hop on the elevator and take it all the way to the top deck. The increasing searing in your eyes, throat, and lungs can only mean one thing: you’re getting closer to our Olympic-sized Mega Pool, which is 90 percent liquid chlorine. Salmonella and E. coli don’t stand a chance. But you will, if you hold your breath and expose any flesh to the water for no longer than three seconds. And even if you are somehow able to resist the bubbling, occasionally sparking water, we know something you will surrender to—THE BEAT. That’s right, here comes a poolside conga line. To prevent contact transmission of disease, all conga participants are separated by 15 feet with three separate latex membranes occupying each interstitial party gap. Who’s feeling hot, hot, hot?

Family Fun for Everyone

Be honest, Mom and Dad. You love the kiddos, but couldn’t you also use a little time to yourselves? Well, we’ve got you covered. At our teens-only Klub Kleen, your 12-and-ups can wash their hands for hours in individual hygiene stalls with the coolest antimicrobial soap this side of chlorhexidine gluconate, all while dancing by themselves to the latest hits. And, don’t worry, we didn’t forget the little ones: Our play area, monitored by cruise staff and advanced biosensors, is the perfect spot for your kid to cavort beneath intense pulses of disinfecting ultraviolet radiation. It’s like 500 peak-afternoon beach days all at once.

Salon and Spa-aaaaaah

Sometimes you need a vacation from the… vacation. Gentle Hands, Gentle Touch is our spa, where we’ve eliminated potentially toxic human-to-human interaction by replacing our massage therapists with semi-autonomous AI-powered pincers. Don’t worry, you’ll still be floating on a cloud of comfort. You can select from one of six high-pressure settings, and each robotic pincer is programmed to automatically shut off within moments of shredding undergarments or breaking cutaneous veins. Your job is simply to relax, reset, and recharge as audio bulletins from the World Health Organization gently perfume the background, conveniently keeping you up to date on the latest in global disease emergencies. That hits the spot!

Inclusivity

We celebrate all our guests. Regardless of sexuality, disability, race, religion, or age, our Fun Ambassadors are trained to provide an unforgettable experience FOR ALL. Unless you somehow contract Ebola. We’re afraid that is a very different story. With a mortality rate of fifty percent or more, Ebola is one of the deadlier contagious diseases, which is why our shipboard medical staff will act quickly to ever-so-gently secure you in a harness and lower you into the sea. From there you’ll wait patiently, surrounded by miles and miles of gorgeous open water, as the ship disappears into the distance. But get ready, as an even more marvelous adventure is about to begin! It’s the whoop-whoop of an approaching chopper. Will it drop you a ladder or fail to notice as you wave your arms frantically with what little strength you have left? Even we can’t predict. Either way, it’s a side trip you’ll never forget.

Look, anyone who says you can’t travel without incapacitating diarrhea never took one of our cruises. What are you waiting for? You don’t have to choose between the vacation of a lifetime and the sterility of surgical instruments. Book your trip with us today, and come aboard—we’re expecting you!