My Annual Performance, as Reviewed by My Dog

Please rate Erica on a scale of 1-5 on how she demonstrates the following:

CONSISTENCY: 5
Erica does fantastic treat work, always offering me a tasty morsel after walks, even though she doesn’t contribute to our daily quota for eating grass.

PUNCTUALITY: 2
Erica often delays leaving the house because of something she calls a “job,” which, from the best I can discern, is just staring at (and sometimes talking to) a glowing screen. She would benefit from improving her time management to meet walk deadlines more consistently.

TEAM CULTURE: 2
It would behoove Erica to think more outside the crate. She often misses opportunities to partner with me in meeting our mission-critical KPIs of barking at wild rabbits, anyone in a uniform, men in hats, men in general, men who are Generals, garbage trucks, visitors I normally like, the neighbor cats Tinkerbell and Moonshine, unseen forces, odd shapes in the dark, odd shapes in broad daylight, babies, and television doorbells.

Erica’s performance would be further bolstered by expanding her playtime skills beyond tug-of-war. I’d like to see her take a cue from her teammate-husband, Ben, to improve her leadership in rough housing.

CANINE-HUMAN INTERACTION: 3
This year, Erica grew her communication skills to understand my various whines. She’s learned to interpret the pitches of “feed me,” “play with me,” and “POOP NOW.” But she continues responding in human words with an upward lilt (“OutSIDE? Go POTty?”), which is a suboptimal communication strategy. (It would improve team morale if she remembered that I am not a toddler.) Many times I want neither “potty” nor “outside,” but to share unbroken eye contact until she has met her daily Milk-Bone treat goals.

EXTERNAL STAKEHOLDER OUTREACH: 5
Erica demonstrates strong interpersonal skills with those outside the organization. She recently asked a strategic partner in another canine-human team, “Is your dog friendly? Can mine say hi?” when I lunged toward a yappy Yorkshire Terrier named Yonkers. This networking allowed me to gain actionable insights on the locations of the best-tasting local grasses.

PROJECT PRIORITIZATION: 1
Erica would benefit from de-emphasizing projects that do not help our organization’s bottom line. These include brushing my teeth, giving me allergy drops, insisting on weekly baths, interrupting my barking at the neighbor kids, and disturbing my strategic data analysis when I sniff spots on the pavement.

Ben supports my olfactory information gathering. This is why he’s getting a promotion.

Are there any behaviors of Erica’s that negatively affect the team?
Erica’s most detrimental behavior by far is her tendency to go out of town. Establishing a suitcase-free organization is key to meeting my annual goal of spending an hour a day sitting on Erica’s feet.

Additionally, when I bite my own skin, she puts the donut collar around my neck, which is a clear violation of HR harassment policies.

How does Erica positively impact the team?
Erica excels in creating a positive team-building environment through a combination of belly scratches, gazing into my eyes, and reaffirming my position as the “best doggie in the whole wide world.”

What significant milestones do you envision Erica achieving in the next year?
Erica has great potential to grow within this team if she and Ben acknowledge that I’m the pack leader, and that means supporting our organization’s North Star: eating lots of grass and subsequently licking up my own vomit.