An Open Letter to Bounce Houses

As a parent, I am required to obtain a car seat that must withstand a direct missile strike but am expected to look the other way when an inflatable UFC octagon with no referee is a main feature at nearly every birthday party.

Admittedly, I had fun bouncing when I was a kid, but this isn’t the 90s. Back then, parents didn’t face communal expulsion for infractions such as failing to stock every playdate with Honest Apple Juice boxes, MadeGood chocolate chip granola bars, and a mortgage payment worth of fruit. If a kid gets injured on my front lawn in an inflatable, I’ll be whisked straight to jail or worse, dragged on the local Facebook mom’s group (my request to join is still pending).

It’s not you, bounce houses, it’s us. We listen to our kids, take every boo-boo seriously, and validate their feelings. These children do not maintain the physical or mental fortitude to withstand the awesome power of the double bounce. We have failed to prepare them for chaos.

Our family care was chosen for its impressive J.D. Power safety rating. My kids almost exclusively eat organic food free from Red No. 40, Yellow No. 5, Blue No. 2, etc. Yet when a first grader yells “boys versus girls,” clutching a toy pirate sword, and disappears into a plastic “house,” I’m the bad guy for suggesting my kids take a break.

There is something about the noise of the wind machine, combined with air trapped in a tarp, that erases all the work that we parents do to raise good citizens. It’s almost as if gentle parenting until we’re too tired so we let them watch Captain America, who doesn’t exactly use words to resolve conflict, isn’t sending a clear message.

Also, why do some of you need to be two stories tall? I remember when a bounce house wasn’t a house but an inflated floor with four posts and some netting. Now these flexible labyrinths hold onto children, refusing to let them go like they’re in some plastic quicksand. And what’s with the water features? You literally have to remain attached to an outlet to exist! While I am not an electrician, plumber, or bounce house designer, I will go around telling everyone it seems very unsafe.

It should be noted that you provide a valuable service, allowing parents to stand around making small talk about how expensive local real estate is, the rising cost of groceries, and the outrageous prices we’re all paying for lawn care. Also, you as a singular bounce house is still a significantly better option than a trampoline park that almost guarantees a detour to Target on the way home for a toy to cheer up at least one of my kids after they collided with a wall, another kid, the side of the trampoline, an adult, an unidentified object, etc.

Maybe we can establish some rules beyond no shoes in the bounce house, which I believe is the only requirement. I’m all for a space where they can challenge social norms, like gravity, but the cost is too great without very clear guidelines. It’s not like these children will one day grow into adults who will pick and choose what laws to follow because we want them to be better than us and actually do 20 in a 25-mph zone.

Spare me the argument that this is exercise, which is better than all the screentime these kids get. Before every birthday party, my kids somehow have a soccer game, swim class, and dance recital, which are so competitive for space that I had to virtually knife other parents to secure my children spots. The last thing these kids need is gluten-free cupcakes with uncut frosting before being thrown into an inflated Thunderdome, all under the auspices of health.

Overall, the environment you provide is difficult for my kids to have fun while completely eliminating the risk of injury and bullying. Until you can assure me that my children will be safe inside your walls, they will refrain, keeping their shoes on the wrong feet and running full tilt around a yard they are unfamiliar with.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Parent