Help Me Understand This Trans-Atlantic Pontiac/Opel Minivan Mystery

We’d like to believe that the world, in some fundamental way, makes sense. We’re islands of order in a greater sea of chaos, and the idea that via our thoughts and actions we can keep the relentless march of entropy at bay is part of what makes life bearable. I want to believe this. Generally, I do believe this. But sometimes, rarely, I suppose, but less rare than I’d like, I’m confronted with some evidence that I’m deluded, and, fundamentally, the universe does not actually make sense.

Sometimes, like this time, the realization happens because of minivans.

You see, I was recently made aware, by an Autopian named Tim, of a minvanical mystery. A strange one that is simply confusing, a mystery that points to wasted efforts and weird design choices. A mystery I simply can’t explain, and any one who could is either long gone or sworn into silence.

The mystery has to do with this:

Images: Wikimedia Commons, eBay, Craigslist

Those are the rear bumpers of GM’s second-generation U-body minivans, which you may know as the Pontiac Trans Sport Montana, and later, just the Pontiac Montana. What I want you to notice about the rear bumper covers on these vans is that it seems to have a very deliberate and intentional molding in the center section that seems to delineate a wide, rectangular recess, flanked by little bumper-guard-like protuberances on either side.

These sorts of details don’t just happen by chance; they were very carefully designed and implemented. Some versions even seem to include the text TRANS SPORT embossed into the framed center section there:

Image: Pontiac

So, why would Pontiac do this? It’s a sort of strange design motif, when you think about it, especially the blank ones lacking the model name text. But when you give it some thought, its purpose seems clear: based on the size, proportions, and location, this must be the area designed to accommodate European-style license plates. The twin bumper guard-like blocks would even be ideal for mounting a pair of license plate lamps.

That has to be it, right? It’s really the only answer that makes any sense! It should be easy enough to confirm, too – the Montana had a European sibling, the Opel Sintra (Vauxhall Sintra in the UK). So let’s take a look!

Image: WIkimedia Commons

What. The. Fuck.

Wait wait wait wait – what am I looking at, here? Am I really to believe that GM’s Euro division went out of their way to design and mold entirely different rear bumper skins that did not have the perfectly-sized indention for a European-spec license plate, and instead just stuck the license plate in the same spot where the shorter US-spec plates went?

Why?

If the Euro plate fit in that original spot already, what the hell was the point of the bumper skin with that recessed Euro-plate-sized panel? Was it never intended for a Euro plate? If not, then what the hell was it for? Looks? It couldn’t have been.

Images: Opel, Pontiac

The Euro tailgate seems to be the same stamping, with a bit of extra cladding slapped on it. Why did they feel the need to make a new bumper cover mold? Because the US one might confuse people because it would appear that there are, in fact, two places you could mount a license plate, because, again, that’s exactly what that bumper skin seems to have on it!

I can’t wrap my head around this. Did GM forbid contact between its American and European divisions? No one talked to each other about this? Why didn’t they all use the Euro-style rear bumper? Why did the US design that Euro plate area in the bumper in the first place? Why were we Americans okay with that weird-looking blank panel when Europeans weren’t?

None of this makes any sense, and it drive me clamshit. I just want to know what the hell everyone was thinking!

Ugh. I can’t leave you on such a miserable note, though. To improve your mood, check out what the concept car version of the Montana looked like – the Montana Thunder!

Image: Pontiac

This was a 1998 concept car that tried to merge minivans and SUVs, and also, interestingly, hinted at the Pontiac Aztek’s front end styling a couple of years before the Aztek came out. It’s a bit overdone and silly, but in fun ways, and I applaud any manner of badass minivan concepts.

Sure, the resulting Montana didn’t exactly have the teeth of this thing, but you know, real life is a tepid reflection of the car show world.

You know what you need to hear now? Hell yeah, you know. It’s time to ride, Pontiac, ride, bitches!

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