Life advice to a graduating student

Obviously, my advice here is intended towards students who are graduating even though it is written towards myself. Some stuff I say here, like referencing my upbringing or my theology/philosophy degree, are not broadly applicable to other people. But presenting this as an honest letter from myself now (about to finish a PhD) to myself 10 years ago (about to finish my undergrad) is important because many of the anxieties and the fears I had then are simply not present now. I’m also on the job market, but I’m in a completely different space (mentally, physically, socially, and materially). Background This blog post started from a few places. Every now and then a student of mine asks me for life advice (and I’ve never really formalized it). But often, the way I structure the advice is the same: internal, external, and specific advice related to our present-day philosophies and cultures of the “work-self” and “work-life” in the US and tech industry. So, in order for the advice below to really make sense, I first just want to add context about myself and my past: I am diagnosed ADHD (was diagnosed in the 90s), am also neurodivergent outside of the scope of ADHD (whatever we call that isn’t too relevant to me), I have lived with a few disabilities (one of which required multiple surgeries before I turned 19, which nearly killed me), and my family life was a mess. But my mother at the time was a drug addict on social security disability and a public school teacher’s pension (which she took early). At 18, she had kicked me out, so I was on my own. My father is homeless and completely out of the picture. At 19, I was recovering from a major surgery. I had no job prospects and no chance at college, but I was still on my mom’s health insurance during my surgeries (because I was still technically 18). My final surgery was 5 days before I turned 19. I barely escaped in time. (Later, Obamacare extended my insurance until 26, which definitely saved my life.) But I did odd jobs and side work for a few years. I became best friends with my now-wife at a pizza shop where she was a supervisor. And I eventually got fired from that job (the only job I’ve been fired from, mind you). The downward spiral that sent me on, in a roundabout way, led me to college. I volunteered with youth programs, one of which was run by my upstairs neighbor (in the duplex I was in). When I was chatting with her about my woes (like, “I can’t even keep a pizza job, what am I good for?”), she suggested that I speak to the academic dean at a small liberal arts college down in Everett. They value community work and focusing on that part of myself in an application, in addition to my inclination towards philosophy, might help me get a scholarship. I did, and it paid most of my way through my 5 years. But graduating was hard. I had no safety net. I also had just picked up a second degree (in “computer information systems”) to try to get a tech job, since I was pretty confident at the time that a theology and philosophy degree wouldn’t cut it. So, if I could travel back in time, this is what I’d say to a student like me, full of anxiety and fear and an unhealthy amount of self-loathing: My advice to a soon-to-be grad Over the years, I did a lot of stuff that worked out in the end. A bunch of stuff didn’t. But the first thing that I’m grateful for was getting my “internal” self sorted out, despite the fact this is a pretty self-centered (literally) set of things to think about. Internal stuff (akin to the “volition” skill from disco elysium) The important parts of having a happy life (from an internal lens) have been: knowing yourself and continuing to discover what that means knowing what you can and cannot change in your environment having a willingness to navigate the tension between pushing for something and letting something go and getting good sleep at night On knowing yourself, I often say that within me are two wolves: one that loves and one that hates. (These are both different shapes of my neuro-divergence.) Basically, this meme from Qasharah Reid on facebook : My love of data visualization (left) and my hatred for inaccessibility (right). Knowing that I get bored and depressed means that I need to seek stimulation. And two pure forms of motivation within me are my appreciation for the work of people who visualize data and my frustrations with the lack of access that people with disabilities have. Love and spite have carried me through so much. I’ve got that dog in me, so to speak. On sleep: I’ve found that creating coping mechanisms and developing strategies that get me to go to bed and wake up at the exact same times every day affects my happiness, executive function, and general brain health more than any medication. It’s pretty much the number one thing to focus on, especially if you’re doing something new and hard (like looking for or getting a job). And in the workplace (and in life, really), ADHD’ers often push far too hard or dig too deep into something at the wrong times, while abandoning or letting things go that should have been finished/wrapped up/polished. And knowing this about yourself can help you decide how to move and navigate complex landscapes like tech work. Stopping yourself and saving your energy are so key. External/social advice In terms of other things (outside of an internal+individualistic lens), it’s really important to also: DeLashmutt gave you this advice and it is 100% true, but “learn when to say no, because it allows you to say yes to other things” (and how to say no well). Your rejection dysphoria, combined with the fact you are easily distracted by new things, makes it very hard to say no to things. But people won’t hate you for having other priorities sometimes. (Do remember to say yes occasionally, though! Don’t always do everything for yourself, of course!) Find happiness with the people in your life and not put yourself + your work too highly in your relationships (have hobbies, friends out of work, etc) Do things that are socially good and gratifying (advocacy, community organizing, or volunteer work) because this will remind you that you have a place in this world that isn’t centered on a job Accept the kindness of others (this is especially important because you’re the sort of ADHD’er who is heavily self-deprecating, depressed, and so on). Allowing yourself to be loved is pretty much central to a life well-lived Resisting work culture Job-specific stuff is hard though. People kept telling me during my undergrad that, “you will be just fine, you’re going to do great” when I’d remark that I was worried about my future and how I’d find work. And I genuinely felt like I was going to crash out almost every day, but especially when someone would say that. It felt so dismissive. Do they not know that my life is barely hanging on? Do they not know that I have no safety net? My next decisions might determine whether I live or die? Whether I am miserable? Whether I ruin the lives of my favorite people, who I love dearly? There is so much at stake. And finding a job was hard, but navigating my feelings of confusion and self-discovery during and after getting a job were even harder. I didn’t want to pick the wrong line of work! I wanted to pick the perfect job, something I was happy with. I wanted to be proud of myself for once. I also needed good health insurance (I have other disabilities, so this was really important for me). I couldn’t just do part time stuff, organizing, or live like a Bohemian creator (despite pretty much only ever wanting to write fiction). Practically speaking, the shortform things I learned from experience were: Casting a wide net (applying to a lot of jobs) was good. Being open to new things was good. Working hard was good, but only because I learned new skills that opened up new doors (not because I was ever rewarded for hard work) Traveling cross-country (and willingness to move) really worked out well but it eventually burned…