Don’t Monetize Me, Bro!

Can you fill in the blank?

They don’t love me for who I am. They just love me for my….

Time’s up—everybody submit your answers. [Long pause while I read the responses.] Whoa, what’s wrong with you folks? Are you’re living inside a David Lynch movie?

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The correct answer to that question today is much tamer than your responses. In the year 2026, they only love you for your data.

Those tech bros smile at you. They pay compliments. They serve up flirtatious innuendoes. But don’t get fooled. They just want to canoodle with your personal data.

That is what intimacy amounts to in the present day.

But even data is starting to resemble a David Lynch film. Amazon is now compiling highly inappropriate profiles on users—that’s how Sarah Esterman learned that she has a bad father.

Another customer was told that she has “flat buttocks.” She doesn’t deny it—but do we really want Amazon monetizing these intimate details?

With this in mind, let me update my previous statement: “Tech bros only love you for (data about) your flat buttocks.”

That’s a kink too far for me, my friends.

This controversy made me curious about my own Amazon footprint. I’m trying to shop there less often nowadays, but they still know way too much about the Honest Broker. So, with some trepidation, I tracked down my profile. Here are the most revealing details.