Notes to myself (in case I forget)

The last few weeks I've been trying to just survive university. I felt terrible most of the time exhausted, constantly comparing myself to everyone, struggling to pay attention, barely keeping up with school and work. There were anxiety attacks along the way, a heavy dose of imposter syndrome, and stretches where I felt alone, a little cut off even from the math group.

But somewhere in there I started having small revelations moments that made me feel better, stronger. And I can finally say I'm starting to adapt. The fear, the anxiety, the tiredness are fading.

I don't want to turn this into a heavy story, so I'll just list what I've learned. Maybe you'll agree with some of it, maybe not.

Don't take the degree too seriously your life matters more. This one came the hard way, after a student took his own life.

Health and energy are a resource. I learned this while heavily medicated and still showing up to class. (It's getting better.)

You're not alone, but not everyone is your friend. I've met a lot of people. Right now I really trust one, but he's the one who made me feel understood.

Discipline is meant to make things bearable, not to punish you. Obvious, I know. I still lose sight of it sometimes.

Ego is the enemy of learning. It doesn't matter what I already knew math is kicking my ass, and so is getting up at 6 a.m. Ask questions, but do enough of the work first that the question is actually a good one.

Everyone is on their own journey. Don't judge, and try not to compare yourself to others. (Hard, I know.)

The joy of math finds you when you least expect it. And sometimes it's just tedious and boring. Sorry.

The "stupid" stuff matters too. Playing a game for a bit, doodling in the margins of my class notebook, wasting time meeting people, music. Games taught me to handle frustration; the rest is just the joy of being alive. None of it is time stolen from the real work it's part of the work.

I hope this helps someone. Mostly I wrote it for me so I don't forget the lessons.