Letter from the Editor #41
Readers,
In case you missed it, earlier this week, over Live, I had a fun conversation with , a cartoonist forand other publications who writes the newsletter .
We talked about something we have in common: we both worked primarily in print media back in the day, before digital media was the default. We touched on how the two are different, and how, as older writers, we’ve had to adapt (and keep adapting) over time.
We also talked about Oldster and its mission. You can watch our interview here ⬇️:
This was part of Liza’s cool series in which she sketches a cartoon as she interviews someone. Here’s the cartoon she drew while we talked:
She couldn’t settle on a caption, so we thought it would be fun to invite all of you to vote on one. Here are the options:
- “If I were younger, I would not be able to handle getting older.”
- “Aging is not for the young.”
- “The only people who can handle aging are older people.”
- “Youth may be wasted on the young, but aging is best handled by the old.”
Which caption do you prefer? Or do you have an entirely different suggestion?
Check out the rest of this series here.
Now through midnight on Oldster’s 5th birthday on August 31st, save 25% off annual subscriptions for life! Oldster runs on paid subscriptions…
Against toxic positivity and competitive aging...
On Tuesday, most of the Oldster audience responded positively to an excerpt I shared of humorist ’s new book, I’ve Got a New Complaint: Essays on Aging Disgracefully and Other Small Disasters. It was a very popular piece that did well by all metrics. But some took exception to it and questioned my choice in publishing it. I thought it might be useful to let you in on my thinking.
You might have noticed that I like to highlight the upbeat possibilities that some people get to experience later in life, possibilities our culture doesn’t like to let us know might be available to us. It’s sort of an act of defiance, and it gives me hope.
But aging is not all lollipops and rainbows, or Cialis ads with attractive gray-haired models frolicking in meadows, at least not for everyone. And I want Oldster to reflect a wide range of experiences of getting older: the good, the bad, and the ugly—for those of us who are struggling in one way or another to see themselves and their experiences reflected here, too.
For those who are facing challenges in aging, it can be a balm to read pieces in which others admit to facing those challenges, too—especially when they do it with humor. Some readers who “liked’ the piece and commented on it expressed as much. I was glad for that, and for the opportunity to show a fuller picture of what sex after sixty might be like—for some people, not nearly all.
(I don’t want to tell you about my own sex life, except to say that at 60 I have one, and that as I get older, it requires an almost comical number of “aging-related adjustments,” to quote the Oldster questionnaire. And I can totally imagine how, without my increasingly strong prescriptions eyeglasses on, I might mistake a container of Icy Hot for…something else.)
***
Early in the Oldster days, someone whom I invited to complete the Oldster Questionnaire declined, saying they didn’t want anything to do with the “toxic positivity” about aging they believed I was peddling.
I pointed out that I deliberately included questions like “What’s difficult about being your age?” along with “What has aging taken away from you?” and “What’s an aging-related adjustment you refuse to make?” plus “What is your number one regret in life? If you could do it all over again, what is the biggest thing you’d do differently?”
It didn’t matter. This person still felt I was focused on upbeat stories of getting older to the exclusion of stories about the more difficult aspects, and they basically told me to take my questionnaire and shove it. I took that to heart. And when Laurie Notaro offered me a piece in which she pushed back against some toxic positivity she noticed in an AARP article, and told the truth about her own experience of sex after 60 with biting humor, I was interested. (As I have been in many prior Oldster pieces about difficulties that contributors have encountered later on.)
A few years later, podcaster reach out and posed some questions for me to askOldster’s readership:
Do you feel pressure to “age well”—whatever that means—in one way or another? Is there some kind of aging competition being imposed on us?
It led to this lively “open thread” post on “competitive aging” that received over 300 comments:
Later she interviewed me about people’s responses for her podcast, .
On Tuesday, a number of commenters who defended Notaro’s piece brought this up—the pressure to “age well,” in any number of categories, and how bad it makes them feel when they only read about those who at least appear to be doing so. I felt validated by those comments.
If there’s anything I’ve learned while publishing this magazine for five years (as of next Monday) experiences of getting older are incredibly variable, at every age. Just as we need to consider that it’s possible for some people in their 70s and 80s to be having great, mind-blowing sex, we also need to consider that it’s possible for some people in their 50s and 60s to be struggling with sexual dysfunction. There can be a number of factors at work—genetics, for example, or medical conditions. (I happen to have some longstanding conditions that affect me in that department.)
Or maybe someone now has a decreased sex drive and isn’t bothered by that—or is even relieved by it, as some have told me. Or maybe they’re determinedly asexual or single by choice.
Oldster isn’t prescriptive. It doesn’t promote one picture of aging, or any particular approach to it. It shows people’s (highly varied) experiences, across a number of generations, in their own words—in personal essays, interviews, and comments on posts. It’s sort of a study on the broad range of aging experiences, borne of my curiosity.
So I invite us all to open our minds and listen to what contributors and commenters of all ages have to say, without judging. If you have an opinion that differs from that of a piece’s author, disagree respectfully. Let’s not shame others in the comments for making what we might feel are the wrong lifestyle choices. Or lecture them about how they’re doing some aspect of aging wrong. And let’s definitely not hurl insults. I would really hate for what I believe to be one of the most supportive, kindest comments sections on the internet to become polluted with rancor.
Not every piece will appeal to every reader’s taste. If I publish something you don’t like, or that reflects an experience at odds with your own, trust that soon I’ll likely publish one that resonates for you.
I hope you’ll hang in there with me. I’m working very hard to make Oldster interesting, entertaining, and enlightening for as many readers as possible. And I like having all of you here with me on this exploration of what it means to travel through time in a human body, at every phase of life. You’re all a part of what makes Oldster great, and I’m grateful for your presence. 🙏
A waiting list for our 5th birthday party at Sid Gold’s...
In other news, we’ve sold out our September 10th evening of piano karaoke at Sid Gold’s Request Room to celebrate Oldster’s 5th birthday. But now there’s a waiting list, in case you’d like to get on it.
Once again there will be a few featured singers-slash-storytellers, after which attendees can take turns at the mic, accompanied by my friend, Sid Gold’s pianist extraordinaire Paul Leschen.
I’ve got another great lineup of featured singers-slash-storytellers: , , Rakesh Satyal, , , and. If the first of these events in June—a big hit!—is any indication, this is going to be great fun.
“I love the spirit of Oldster and the fresh perspective it brings to aging with its wide-ranging essays and interviews." - , paid subscriber.
That’s all for today. Thanks as always for reading, and for all . 🙏💝
-Sari
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